Coldness, emptiness, sadness.

Iam a clingy type of person. When iam closed to someone, trust me, wherever i go, i only want that particular someone to stay by my side. I would solely depend on him or her only, trust him or her with all my heart. I wouldnt want anyone else. I know it's not good actually for somehow at some point i might get hurt real bad due to this. Anyway, i thought when i enter matriks, i can never meet someone who can make me becomes an overly-attached person. Well, unfortunately i thought wrong.

I was or maybe still am close to this one person in my class. Like i said in previous post, i prefer befriending guys. Iam much more comfortable with them as i grew up with only one friend who is Mamat. So yeah that i think explains everything why i always stick to my guy friends instead of girls. Ok back to the track. He acts like a big bro to me. Everytime i wanted to hide my pain and sorrow, trust me, he will always know it which means i can never hide and idk why. Dia ada kuasa sakti ke lol. Ok la. Taknak drag this story about him. I dont want people to misunderstand my intention of sharing this post haha.

Last 3 days to be precise, my classmates and i had conflict regarding the MSP programme. MSP programme is a programme where you and your mentor will gather and have some fun. So it depends on you, what type of activity you wanna do which eventually could strengthen your relationship with your mentors. Initially, we decided to do on 20th Jan at steamboat near our college. But due to whole load of assignments, i decided to change the plan. No going out, just order the food that we want and eat them in college. Well majority agreed but some nope, including him. I know being a leader, i can never force people to follow my lead, to say yes to everything i've said. But at that moment, i needed support, mostly from him because i felt so fragile due to tiredness. Sadly, he chose the opposite. I tried to carve a smile while reading his name saying he chose plan1 over plan2.

Oh. Plan 1 is proceed with initial plan whilst plan 2, eat at the college.

When majority wanted plan 2, i was relieved even tho at the same time i was hurt too. The next day(19/01/17), while waiting to enter the next class, the ones who refused to vote for plan 2 bumped into our mentors. They discussed about this thing and idk maybe they persuaded both to still proceed with the plan. Wallahu'alam. I knew this coming when i had just finished the chemistry programme with Haliza and Maryam and we were on our way back to our respective rooms. I read a message. He sent it. The message is

" Ustaz kata makan luar. Yeay "

I broke into pieces. My emotions were all mixed up. I mean, i had just finished class, everyone had voted plan1 or plan2, there are loads of assignments which need to be handed in next week, there will be muet mock test two days after and why do you still insist on going out?! It doubles the pain when he was the one who sent the message. And it hurts more when we were like strangers in class on that day. I dont like showing to people how i feel when iam in pain or anything unless when it comes to physical pain and i can no longer take it. But now, this involves emotion. I refused to let people know so i keep eeevveryyyyyything to myself.

The moment when i read the message, i was speechless. Completely. I called the leader of my class, asking him to help me to stop everything. I cried, seriously i did. I couldnt take it anymore. I was really stressful. Kesian haliz and maryam because they were so surprised to see how dreadful my situation was. After calling the leader of the class, and talking to Sarah(the one who told that the ones who voted plan1 met our mentors, and maybe we are gonna proceed with plan1), we(haliz, maryam and i) waited no more. We walked to the cubicle to meet one of our mentors. We would like to negotiate about this. Can we postpone or anything.

To my surprise, alhamdulillahhhhhhh he understood our situation as he said

" Postpne je la. Nant rushing penat semua takde mood dah nak makan. Kita postpone ke hari lain je eh? "

Maryam and i were like

" thankyouuuu sir allahu alhamdulillah thankyou sir! "

Can you see how desperate we were?

He did whatsapp me. Pointing out that i should be so strict because its not good. I mean, we wouldnt want our class to be so tense. I got his point but iam sorry. I cant. Iam tired of following people's lead. Now iam the leader so i should just proceed with what i think is okay. Inshaa Allah.

You know what, living in this college makes me realize so many things. Not all the time the friend whom you depend on the most will agree with what youre saying, not all the time everyone is gonna like you, not all the time youre at the top nor bottom, etc. I learned so many things to the extent my friends in malacca reprimanded by saying I have changed. Haha. And the lesson which i would treasure the most is,

Detach yourself from false attachment.

If you were once clingy to someone, then stop before something bad happen between both of you. I know to some, this is nothing. But to me, a person who truly depends on him, when this happens, it hurts real bad. Seriously. I was attached to this one girl when i was in highschool, she is somehow like a stranger to me now. I love my mom. She always remind me to not be so closed to anyone, but iam such a stonehead. I wouldnt listen until something happens. So yeah, should have followed her instruction. *sigh

It is a lie if i dont miss the old us. He is like a big bro to me, gives me advices when i need it the most but for me to start everything, and turn everything to normal again, it's a big no. Iam tired of being the first to start the conversation, not letting the situation becomes awkward etc. I just wanna be the old me. Heartless, coldness, and my heart, nothing more than just an organ which consist of Allah, my family. Only.

Speedy recover, naziela! Haha
Assalammualaikum.